Why would I let this man come back into my life after making it clear to him that he was no good for me?
I often lost focus on things that I wanted and needed to do when he was in the picture. It was so easy to submerge myself in him and forget everything. He made it so comfortable for me to slack off. The goals have always been the same, do everything you have to do in order to secure your future. I used to laugh at the thought of letting anyone get in the middle of that. Jokes on me as I sit here and watch him sleep at noon on a Tuesday. Rearranging my schedule earlier was preformed perfectly - Oscar worthy, even. Simply emailing my assistant Dolores:
Put out any fires and only call me if you're dying. :-) see u Wednesday."
I just stare at him, for a long while until he wakes slightly, kisses my lips and turns around as if to say "stop being a creep". I chuckle to myself and lie on my side, thinking. Trying to figure out why was it that he had the power to make me break my rules... Not because this was something spectacular, he and I. He wasn't the man I saw myself with or anything - whatever that means. I'm so confused by the attraction I have to my distraction.
Often I've dropped plans just to be stuck with him or stuck on him.... in me. IT was good, really good. But still, I refuse to let that be my excuse. Can't I? I'm a 28 year old entrepreneur, with two Master Degrees. I know discipline, right?
It took almost nothing for me go jump at his proposal. It was a very short phone call yesterday afternoon - "I think you'll be sick tomorrow, come over, I'll take care of you". I laughed, "mm hmm have a good day Rob". Click.
Of course, in that moment my mind was made up. And I wouldn't dare second guess my decision- I was his for the day. And everything that was planned or that needed to be done would be dealt with when I ready to pull my head out of my ass..
It was a whole two months of no communication. I regained my focus, so much work I missed out on. I was kicking ass, two month of pure drive. And you know that's not easy! I was able to double my profits and snag 2 more large companies to silently invest in my tech start-up. I was working. So that one lonely Saturday night when I was possessed and sent him a message on Snapchat was all it took to all come crumbling down... Well, me at least.
Several dead apologies and empty promises later, here I am, laying with just a red thong and the slow aching realization that, I really had a ton of work to do today. What a dumb move. As I prepare to get up and get my laptop to tackle a few emails, I feel IT. Up go his hands, traveling up my back, finding its way to the back of my head, applying just enough pressure to inform my little ass not to fight it. Effortlessly turning me towards him, eyes still closed, he brings me to his lips.... I try to get one more look at him, trying to gain some clarity, to stall, maybe... He opens his eyes, looks me into my soul.
Fuck the emails.